Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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