i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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