Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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