If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
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