You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
