i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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