i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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