Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize