I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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