now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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