I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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