I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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