just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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