You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
