i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
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