Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I have post one night stand depression
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize