The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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