i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
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