I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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