I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
