I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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