How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
