So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
The beer is more important than you right now.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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