chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Randomize
