T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
