Whoa Z and x make the same sound
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
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