the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
