i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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