Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Randomize
