Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
