Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Randomize
