you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
