can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
