She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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