So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
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