My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
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