I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Randomize
