There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
