my vag is so smooth its legendary
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize