I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
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