I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
