I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
