Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
