i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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