so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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