you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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