life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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