Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
