They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
