the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
