...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Randomize
