I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Randomize
