I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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