i'm signing you up for texting rehab
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
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