Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
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